This weekend I was plagued by the most counterproductive (cycle of) thoughts: the twins of despair better known as “what if” and “if only”. And they’re still around, despite my knowing that thinking like this will not end well.
Right now my biggest regret is moving to Johannesburg. I feel like the person subsidising my rent has decided to wield this power over me, although not directly. Maybe it’s not related to that at all, but I feel like I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship with this person, and by accepting my living arrangements I’ve given them this power.
I did consider this possibility when I accepted the offer to subsidise my rent, but I had really admired this person and didn’t think they’d turn around and do this. I’ve never denied being naïve, just so you know. Some people really do deserve the trust and faith we place in them. The majority however, I’ve found out over the last few weeks, don’t.
Enough drama. This week’s song starts with the echo of my thoughts – “Baby if you could would you go back to the start? Take any fresh steps or watch it all fall apart again?”